Sister, you will know when it is time to bear witness to the one that slithers under your skin and weighs like a thick fog over your eyelids declaring worthlessness. You may be sitting in the bathtub sweating and praying through tears hoping that it will just evaporate from you. You may be screaming into the void of tortured memories of this life or another, and misplaced emotions trying to fit in place that fragmented piece of self. This is a poetic exorcism, a metamorphosis so excruciating that your heart must break over and over again, your ego must be humbled, and your soul must rise until all that is left is that sweet devotional nectar of divine unconditional love. This is the greatest awakening, to come home to your true self.
There are no remedies for this, no escapes. You don’t even want them, as you’ve gone too deep now, and you absolutely must do the work. This is much deeper than you ever could have imagined, a spiritual redemption and re-birthing so hysterical it has you climbing trees pleading for grounding, stuck in a paradox that requires an entire upheaval of all you have ever even known. It will be the most naked, raw, and vulnerable you have ever felt since that delicate time moments before your physical birth.
You are being thrust into the curtailed trust which was whole for you only through the contorted vision of the womb space you once lived in. Since then you have been held captive and swung infectiously on the pendulum of faith and fear. Catch a glimpse again of the shadow dancers in your periphery and recall the aching journey through the rainforest and the way she spit you out whole and shattered you entirely. There in the orbed bead you see the sacred waters which cradled your incarnation and so, sister, attempt to retire there a moment and find presence. Yes, this is an aggressive path to knowing, a dance with spirit and sovereignty, an ecstatic re-birthing trance and an unimaginable surrender.
Make sure you are being held, because this path is not one to walk alone or blindly, but with a hand on the blessed vines linked to the elders, the guides and the ancestors. You are being trained as a shadow warrior, a magician, a priestess, an alchemist, so that eventually, you too may guide others in the same way.
There may be spontaneous visions and dreams, ones which reveal the shame demon to you in one of its many forms. It may come with the twisted face of someone who has condemned you in your memory, a parent, a sibling, a past lover, or even yourself. With black eyes and a long-slanted smile, laughing wickedly. It has no sense of compassion or empathy, so you sister, you must invoke that compassion. It will laugh and laugh as you shrink further into your bleeding wounds and until your ripened rage unravels you entirely. You will find yourself hovering over the inner bridge of uncertainty, on one side awakening and on the other, insanity. On one side the dark and suffocating fear of loneliness, failure, abandonment, shame… and on the other, the blissful reverence of trust and perfected love, faith and presence.
Take care not to dwell too long in terror. Reference those teachings which breathe gentle whispers of love into your rapidly beating heart. Within your fear there is some kind of excitement. Yes, you have asked for this in your many rituals and spells and ceremonies. You have asked to be cleansed of this madness which has had you stumbling through reactions for so long, and to be gifted with all of that treasured freedom you must make space. You have asked and so you shall receive. You will begin to discover the codes hidden in the hundreds of thousands of ancient books lodged in the library of your inner sanctuary, and the many roses which outline your heart. Here you may relax for a moment into the revelry of reconciled words as they blanket your shivering bones.
This is when you are thrust into the purifying flames, the pages of your past as kindling, and the petals of your present future as a fragrant incense mixing with the smoke. You are left to wrestle the regurgitated remains of the shame demon, letting its condescending laughter wash over you and irk your very essence into crippling rebellion and sovereign revival. You must contemplate, what is the nature of your relationship with it then? Is it your nemesis, your teacher, your lover… you? Is it a thick sludge of the blended betrayals which left you traumatized time and time again? Is it a ball and chain you must live with eternally, a curse, an exile? Is it a condemnation to death?
Your awareness will heighten as you observe the way it reacts to each interaction, the way it writhes through catastrophic destruction as you lay your slender sword against its neck in a desperate cry for freedom, ready to liberate its poisonous laughter to the underworld. You may find then that it grows another head instantly. You will witness the way is moans in your attempts to merge and make love with it, wondering if this great alchemy will hold the key. And what if you bow and kneel in surrender at its rotting feet, would you be giving into the darkness or are you strong enough to transmute it through absolute love and acceptance? You will likely wonder how to comprehend the image of yourself in its eyes and still dis-identify with the corrupt concept that it is somehow a part of who you are. It may seem like an endless road and it may seem like an earth-shaking tremor which has your mind rattling as a bag of restless skeletons, long dead and still haunting.
Know this though, it is not an intrinsic part of who you are, but a construct of the conditioned paradigm you were incarnated into. Though, you must learn to integrate it, transmute it. In your purest form you are love, and so you are infinitely stronger. If you can move all things first through the purifying flame in your heart, then you will truly begin to know the priestess path.
Sister, you must seek the guidance of the crone goddess, the keeper of wisdom and that aspect of your all-knowing self. If this is yet another spiritual death, then so be it. You have been through it time and time again and the wheel has kept turning. See that this is an epic encounter, and you are the heroine. This is one for true myths and legends and folk stories, one where you, the ‘broken girl’ turned priestess slays the shame demon and in so doing does all of humanity a great service. Feel the hairs on your skin raise as this truth cuts through that veil and your eyes open a little wider and the tears disperse into the precious waters where you bathe.
You will be victorious, and you will succeed, and you will survive this great battle. You will choose trust even if it means first wading through the deepest of traumas and terrors so that this demon dissolves beneath your feet, back into the Earth, back to the womb to be reborn again as pure love and pure trust.